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Funny Life Quotes Biography

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Money, Successful, Wife
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Life, Try, Somebody
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby
Wise, Stupid, Advice
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Nice, Girl, Second
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
Great, Woman, Eyes
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
Life, Alive, Seriously
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Good, Morning, Sorry
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
Hell, Heaven, Company
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
God, Happy, Wine
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Sunshine, Night
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Family, Child, Leave
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
Government, Support, Pay
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
Facts, Please, Distort
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
Great, Annoyance
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein
Change, Facts, Theory
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Hell, She, Started
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Fake, Water, Died
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Between, Tried, Pick
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
Mind, Woman, Often
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Why, Chance, Housework
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Afraid, Heights
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Realize, Somebody, Specific
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
Matter, Door, Three
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
Stupid, Girl, Stand
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld